Homeless

 

I moved from my hometown to be with someone from another place, and I have spent two New Year's celebrations here. The decision to move was not carefully thought out. I rarely think life through, since I spend most of it dissociated, romanticizing my battles, or just being a human being no one can be proud of. My mother and sister were, when I was at a prestigious university pursuing my PhD and teaching, but I believe my other decisions far outweighed their pride and eventually they just - were there. I chose to be at a work from home job when dealing with people became too much, and have continued to feel never good enough for anyone in my family, my few friends, or the world at large. Sometimes I just put it in the back of my mind and pay bills and debts, sometimes, in the dark teatime of the soul, I just sleep with my uselessness as my last conscious thought. 

It's the first day of the new year, and since I just turned 43, I found myself thinking about what I have become. I have always felt the need to be needed, maybe in the way that I know deep down I need the world. Maybe that's why I asked my partner not to work, since I can provide for both of us, and since he has been continually sick with one thing or another. I asked, in return, that he try to support me psychologically, when my meds aren't enough, and the world is too much. It has been the source of constant and very many fights. Some might view it as psychological abuse, arguably, that I tether my mental well-being to another person in exchange for their financial security. 

I'm not an easy person to be with. I try. I try to be kind, to not be angry or be an asshole, but I just end up disappointing myself over and over. I continue to make bad decisions, and I am tired of myself. I am tired of this place, and I am sincerely tired of living with a brain like this. I can tell my partner is, too - just this morning, he said to maybe just look for someone else to be with. 

There's a song by Sombr called Undressed. It's a good song, with casual lyrics, hiding this gem: "I don't want to get undressed for a new person all over again." I felt it, when I heard that line. It's tiring to be with so many people for so many first times. It's not a reason to stay, but the point is still valid: I don't want to know and be known by another person again, not at this age, and not at this stage. I would rather be homeless than move again.